The Company You Keep: Watch Yo Mouth

When I was 16 years old I was at the peak of my self-hatred. I hadn't figured out anything I was particularly good at, I got poor grades, and I thought I was a wildebeest.  I don't know who gave me permission but, I became fluent in the language of self bashing. Every opportunity I got, I'd drop a little bomb on myself.

Why? Well, it was genuinely how I felt and thus it seeped out of me like maple sap. I'm sure in there somewhere was a tiny motive that someone would prove me wrong. I wasn't fishing for compliments really, just some freaking help. My insides were collapsing on themselves and the only way I could comfortably express it was by joking about it a lot with my friends.

However, one day, my friends stopped calling me. I would find out about get-togethers that I wasn't invited to, sleepovers that I was left out of, and strange sneaky behavior from those I considered my best friends. I had no idea why.

That is, until one day when my best friend ( still to this day) Aleece sat me down. Well, kinda. We were on swings. Is that considered a seat? Anyhow, she told me straight up that I had become so heavy to be around ( pun not... intended?) that everyone needed a break.

The way I was talking about myself became a problem for my friends. Now, to this day I'm still a little sad that nobody thought to tell me that it was hard to hear me talk like that ( double-yoo-tee-eff, guys) but I needed to know that how I felt about myself wasn't just affecting me anymore.

That little scenario did some damage to my heart but, the truth is that the way you feel about yourself doesn't effect you alone.

Not only can it be heavy and difficult for others, but it can lead them to unhealthy places as well. We never intend to do that. We mention to a friend that we're "fat" and think its a one-off kind of comment most would shrug off or jovially join the fun of "fat talk"( as I call it) without any harm...

But what we don't realize is, most women will instantly compare themselves to where we're at when we say that. I've had countless girls who have close to NO fat on their body tell me they need to lose weight and it makes me feel awful. It makes me want to hide inside the world's largest sweatsuit and never be seen again. "If they feel about themselves as they are, imagine if they looked like me? They would fall apart!"

At least, that's where my brain goes.

If you're a size 2 and you're telling a girl who's a size 14 that you're "gross", please stop to think how it might make her feel. There's a good chance that friend of yours is having a little fight inside of her heart after you say stuff like that.

Seriously.

Truthfully, that kind of talk in general is unhealthy no matter WHO the woman on the other end of the conversation is... It tempts her into thinking of herself in a critical way like that and before you know it, you're influencing the culture of your loved ones.

In this season, I'm finding that the company I keep is really important. There have been too many times where I am with a group of girls and the body-bashing talk starts in a way that everyone feels is harmless and I find myself buried in shame.

I don't think it will forever be like this but, in order to stay healthy when it comes to this issue, I can't handle much of that kind of fat-chat.  I'm hoping I will be healthy enough to withstand it and not let it discourage me the way that it does now but, for now, I'm trying to be good to myself. That means, I need good company for this journey.

God has been good in providing it, for certain. But, I wonder what it would be like if that kind of talk was just NOT part of the culture of the average woman( especially in L.A.)?

There are a lot of facets to this topic- from false humility to the polarized sides of the coin when it comes to females and body talk- but for now, remember that how you express your feelings about yourself in casual conversation might fall on ears of a person it could damage.

On the whole, how you feel about yourself affects those around you. It just does. Loving yourself not only helps you to love others, it helps them love themselves too- and the opposite is just as true.

I wanna get real good at this.

I mean, real good.

Sincerely, 

Carly Calmes the First

If the shoe fits

Wear it OUT.

I just got home from performing for 2 and a half hours straight for an event for a non-profit and I am SPENT.

I'm tired, but I'm tired from doing what I think I might be made for.

Its always important to observe the state of your heart, but its particularly important when it comes to vocation. At the risk of sounding idealistic, I believe that we were all created to do specific things- Things that we don't know that we're made for until we're doing it.

After years of debating and fighting with God... I believe that what I was specifically created to do is to write songs and to sing them for people. I came to the stark conclusion of this a few weeks ago.. and I guess I've known a little bit since I started doing this. God has given me sign after sign, opened door after door.. But one of the ways I know in my guts is how I feel after I do it.

After I finish singing... After I finish singing my own songs, I feel like I'm connected to myself in a way that is second to none. I feel like the shoe fits. We all get so used to wearing shoes that don't fit because we assume that's life.

But if we believe that there's a God that created us intentionally with gifts, talents and connections...Is it far off to think that we might be able to do things with our lives, even professionally, that feel like what we were made for?

I've been meeting with a great life coach who works specifically with connecting your calling and vocation, and working very practically toward getting you to live out your calling

Last week we talked about the levels of job satisfaction. They are as follows:

1- This job is literally only for the money. It doesn't connect to who I am at all.

2- There's one thing about this job that connects to who I am

3- There are a few things that connect to who I am

4- This job is in the same field as what I am created for. However, there are still areas I compromise. 

5- Total integration. I get paid to live out my calling.

Its been an adventure to explore this. I'm sharing this with you in hopes that you find yourself in one of these places... and dream a little bit about what 5 would even look like for you. Don't get me wrong, there are jobs that need to be done that might feel for the majority like a 1 or 2. However, what if?

One of my favorite side effects to doing what I think I'm made for is the divine confidence boost that comes. When I'm living into who God has created me to be, I am filled with a sense of purpose and identity that fills my heart with a confidence that is genuine. Genuine confidence?

Its like gold at the cusp of the rush. Treasure that's worth adventuring toward.

Here's to finding a shoe that fits and wearing the crap out of it.

Sincerely,  Carly Calmes the First.

The Importance Of Your Eyes ( and their teamwork with your mouth)

( My adorable huz with his love glasses on. Idn't he precious?)

Today I was reminded twice, from both the giving and receiving ends, how important it is to be someone who sees and tells.

What I mean by that is, sometimes the purpose of your presence in someone's life is to influence them in certain ways, to laugh and enjoy each other, but what I'm finding these days is its often to be good eyes for them.

The way that we see ourselves is incredibly skewed. We can't see our own potential, beauty, progress or gifting in the way that others and God can. While its important to not allow the opinions of others totally shape who we are, it IS important to allow others to speak into who we are when they are a loving and trust worthy source. In the same way, it's important to be eyes to see for those you love.

When you sit back and see a friend's beauty or talent... don't assume that they know or that they're being told. When you see someone making progress toward their goals and dreams, point it out. When you recognize any good at all, claim it.

Chances are... they don't know. Chances are, they needed it- because God put you there to say it. 

I was blessed today to get a phone call from an old friend who has known me since before I started to sing in front of people or write at all. With her experience and perspective on my story, she was able to speak words of life into me... words I was desperate for. She reminded me of who I am in ways that I had forgotten. And you know, I don't think she was calling me with hopes of inspiring me or reviving my calling, I think she just wanted to catch up and told me some stuff that was pretty plain for her to see.

Often, the beauty that's obvious to you is totally hidden to the person you're observing it in. You have a responsibility to call it out.

Then on the flip side, I spent a few moments tonight with a friend who was convinced they were goin nowhere fast. To me? Oh, they are coming to life! They are courageous and strong and on the path to total freedom and light. However, without the good eyes of someone who is just far enough from the inner walls of your heart to see how incredible you are, you may never know it. She still doesn't quite know it. But, to me its so easy... I'm just gonna keep sayin it. Its true.

So go ahead, y'all. Get uncomfortable and take the risk of calling out wonders you see in those you love. They might not know that they are extraordinary, yet.

(But they are)

Sincerely, 

Carly Calmes the First

PS: I'm really bad at this. I know I need to get better. I'm very uncomfortable with affection and the like but... I'm praying for the courage to be an expert at encouragement. Its good.

Czech in: Week 1

If you haven't read my post, " Getting Out of the Trashcan: A New/Old/New Journey", this all won't make sense to you. So, if you want some context, head back there. Then come back here. Then take a nap. Then... wait.. what am I saying? OH YES!

In an effort to keep these next 6 months as intentional as possible, I figure it'd be wise for me to check in every now and then to monitor my journey.

It's been a week. A week without knowing what I weigh, without taking any measurements, without knowing how many calories I've consumed, without exercising when I feel fat, and without looking at or taking photos of myself in order to judge my body.

At the beginning of the week I was high on it. High on the purity of my perception of myself. I had a ton of extra space and energy with which to spend on... well, whatever I wanted to because without the knowledge of where my body was at and with the restriction of exercise as a celebration of health, I found myself very present to what was in front of me... rather than dreaming of how I could get skinnier.

As the week crept forward though, so crept a foggy guilt that I was doing something wrong.  What started out as a sense of freedom turned itself nastily into a sense of laziness and fattening. The temptation to step on the scale and jot it down in my sneaky little notebook I have hidden in my bathroom ( contains measurements and scale numbers from the past two years or so. Yeah) and subsequently, to create a plan of action grew enormously from last Sunday to today.

I know that this will be harder than I planned on. I think it has to do with the absence-presence rule. Ok, I don't think its called that but, I think of it similar to your average recovery patient. When someone is recovering from alcohol or drug addiction, they are encouraged to find something else to be addicted to that is good instead of damaging for them. Its not enough to just cut out the bad. The bad must be replaced with good.

So, this week I will take a more proactive approach. It was good to cut some things out but now I have to dive into what got me on this path and how I can course-correct in a real way. I have to start planting truth where I've uprooted scale numbers and mean things.

Some things I've noticed this week that really make it difficult to be healthy are things I'll look into a bit this week as well. They are:

1) Media.

Holy smokes. I don't think I've ever noticed how much weight-loss talk there is out there. Its constant! I'm planning on doing an experiment this week to see how many weight-loss advertisements I come across in one day, just to see. Our culture is obsessed with it, its no wonder we are, too!

2) Female Social Norms.

My favorite example of this is in Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character interacts with the little clique of popular girls in front of the mirror. Each of them shouts out a complaint about themselves and then it gets to LiLo, who plays a really well adjusted girl who is happy with herself. They all look at her waiting for her to bash herself... and when she can't think of anything, it's unacceptable for them. This is a funny take on it but, the truth is that in most circles of girls, its not okay for a girl to be confident. She's deemed a bitch or conceited if she is. Its bad. We need to fix it. I think there's a way for us to love ourselves in a way that doesn't make it intimidating for outsiders. It can make us gentler and kinder. Also, I don't think we realize that when we bash ourselves, it hurts the chances of those around us loving themselves. More on this later.

3) The weight loss craze of my facebook friends. Jeez. JEEEEZ. I understand that it feels good to get in shape, I do. However, the obsessive posts I read on the daily from folks posting their progress and even their "Feeling fat, going on a run" type posts have become a tad over the top. I think there's value in being fit and such but, I think all this chatter is promoting the idea I'm trying to avoid- that in order to love oneself one must measure up to a standard of fitness. The idea that contentment with oneself only comes at peak fitness is a lie that makes us all strive and miss out on enjoying ourselves NOW. And what happens when all that starts fading? When we get old and soft? When we have babies? Does that mean that we'll never be as beautiful? Can't. It can't mean that.

Whoa, I got off topic there. Its my blerg. I'll blerg awry if I wanna.

Anyhow, so week one has been both liberating and revealing. This isn't gonna be a walk in the park, but, that's where I'm at on this journey.

Far I have come. Far I must go.

I leave you with this piece of tomfoolery:

Yeah, I thought I was googling "monitor" for an image for this post, but instead I googled "monito" which means "little monkey" en espanol.

This one is friends with a dove. Clearly.

Until Tomorrow, 

Carly Calmes the First

Saturday Overload

Oh boy. It feels so good to sit down. *Sigh Today has been full but, mostly full of good stuff. This morning kicked off with worship rehearsal which was a blessing and full of laughter with a few friends old and new. Afterwards my pal/partner in crime( she's our amazing church admin/everything-er) Leah and I went thrifting and antiquing which is always good for the soul wallet fun.

I was already pooped but then... oh yes... then I came home to my living room re-arranged ( something we planned to do) but disorganized and then headed out for a trip to IKEA.

ON A SATURDAY

WHAT AM I, NEW? Not only is IKEA on a Saturday the equivalent to Christmas Eve at L.A.X. ( Constant flow of people going in one direction with all kinds of pressure to move quickly without getting killed or pulled over) but I went with the image of my disorganized home firmly planted in my brain.

" I WILL FIX YOU, HOME. I WILL USE MYSTICAL IKEA MAGIC TO DO SO", I said to myself while forgetting to breathe/blink.

Anyhow, 3 hours and 300 dollars later, we survived with a new area rug, entertainment console, shelves, clock, and a bag full of other goodies. We made it. By the skin of our teeth. We didn't even get meatballs!!!

NO meatballs= Musta been one crazy trip to IKEA. The craziness knocked the OCD right out of me.

Anyhow we got home with about 30 minutes until we got to pop over to watch our neighbors' 7 and 3 year old kids. It was a pretty mellow night full of Dinosaur movies, playing dinosaur and karate wrestling ( the 3 year old was The dino, the 7 year old is in karate, Jon was the victim. I filmed) bath time ( which was funny to watch Jon pull off. It was very "Big Daddy" but very sweet), games, milk and cookies and story time.

This was the first time we've babysat for our neighbors while they went out for a night on the town. I consider myself a pro at babysitting but it was new to do it with Jon. We are definitely not ready for kids but, its fun to try and care for some together in the meantime. Especially great kids like these.

Highlights of the evening include:

1) "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COME WIPE MY BUTT!!???" While playing a delightful game of.. oh I don't remember, Archie(3) ran to the restroom and with the door flung open proceeded to... Need some help. He screamed out "CAN SOOOOMEONE PLEASE COME WIPE MY BUTT!!!?". Everything on Jon's face said " There is no way I'm doing that" as he shook his head violently looking at the ground. I wasn't about to traumatize his 7 year old sister with that action so... I took one for the team, put my mom instincts on and helped the kid out. If those were our kids? Oh, Jon would be headed into that restroom at least every other time you'd better believe it!!

2) CRAZY KIDS

As I closed the door behind the three year-old's room whilst Jon read him a goodnight story, and strolled over with my 7 year old pal to her room to do the same, she threw her hands in the air, shook her head and said, with the salt-of-the-earth 'tude of Bill Cosby "Well, You know, this is just WHAT ITS LIKE having two kids that are CRAZY."

Thanks for the heads up, Stell.

Needless to say, I am absolutely spent. I'm set to kick up my feet and snuggle up with Jon and my pup. I leave you gingerly with this brilliant display of Lord Of the Rings Impression'ry from my beloved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=958JiyGoHHg&list=UU7kiH1LinDbyO7gMOWevfnA&index=1

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First