Thankful/Throwback Thursday

Yeah, its both.

Two hours ago I was feeling really uneasy. My heart felt shaky and like it was teetering on the edge of some dark stuff. I had texted my bestie Aleece a funny picture and she promptly called me to laugh and chat...Oh, who's Aleece?

Here we are in 7th grade.

(Take a minute to process this)

Here's a nicer one:

She's my best frieennn. Anyhow, Aleece has known me since I was 12 years old. 12. We clearly went through all our awkward phases together. We became Christians on the same day at the same place. My family considers her a part of ours. She was the maid of honor at my wedding. She has pictures of me like this:

You get it.

Today, I'm reminded that sometimes you just need to spend some time connecting with someone who really... REALLY knows you. Its like connecting with yourself in a way because when you catch up with someone you can't bullshit, someone who knows when you're being a phony, you're forced to be your true self. Tonight on the phone, just by processing a few things out loud with her, I feel more like myself than I did at the start of the evening. Things came out of my mouth that I didn't even know I was feeling because with her, its like the real me feels permission to show up and come out into the open. I find it really hard to do that with new people.

In fact, most people have no clue but I have pretty bad social anxiety. It makes me nervous to be with most people. To explain this, it'd take me way too many blogs and it'd bore you all to pieces but, its REALLY rare that I spend time with ANYONE and feel like I'm myself. So, moments like this are treasures to me.

For most of us, those people who know us way too well aren't physically close to us. We've all moved to different places, have different lines of work, different circles of friends. But never underestimate the value of a chat with someone who sees straight through your defense mechanisms and the claims that you're OK when you're NOT. Our pastor often mentions that the greatest human desire is to be fully known and fully loved. The ultimate source of this kind of love is from God himself but, in friends like these, we get a taste of it, and boy It can set you right as rain.

So today, I'm deeply thankful for people who have stuck by me for years and years. Who have known the inner walls of my heart in several different phases, crushes, ventures and stages. Don't get me wrong, I have great and valuable friends who I've made in recent years but... there's a certain seasoned way about the old besties that you can't reach in just a couple of years.

Thanks for the chat, Aleece.

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First

Fluff! Garage dent.

Oof, today is one of those days I just do NOT feel like I have anything to blog about. However, I made a commitment so, here I am! Jon DID say that I need more fluff posts. He really used that term, too. 

I feel just a little bit better today than I did yesterday. 

Wanna know why?

I started cleaning out our garage!

Actually, this week I decided to pull a bit of an end-of-the-year cleaning fest because, with the holidays and all our traveling, we started to live like wild beasts. It really came to a head when I was talking with Jon about how frustrated I was with our level of organization. Our chat went like this...

Me: "I'm so frustrated! I feel like we're BURIED right now beneath layers and layers of CRAP"

Jon: "Nahhhh. Its not bad"

Me: "I feel like, if I walked into our home right now and I wasn't US, I'd think 'These people are slobs'. You know?"

Jon: "Well, we ARE slobs"

(cut to a scene of me LOSING MY MIND)

WHAT, NOW? WE ARRRRE SLOBS?! YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE!!!

He said it so casually, too. *scoff

Anyhow, today I decided to start tackling the garage. I only worked on it for about an hour but... I made a dent, eh? Sheck it out:

 

OK, so its not PERFECT. But, I could only do so much by myself what with all the tools, skis and car parts that are most certainly NOT mine that are floating around there. Jon has three full shelves of torn apart remote control things. Seriously. Cars, helicopters, etc. All deconstructed and crazaaaay.  

 Anyhow, that's pretty much the highlight of my day ( other than a lovely lunch with two pals). I promise to collect cooler stuff to blog about in the days to come. For now, I'm patting myself on the back for getting to work on our lil nest!

Also, I had a dream last night ( that's actually a recurring dream) that I had to re-create our wedding. If you didn't know, I was really involved in all the details of our planning and execution ( flowers, table decor, everything) and I was so stressed. I've been stressed ALL DAY because of it. 

Lame.

Until Tomorrow, 

Carly Calmes the First

Family, Reimagined

     

     About 5 years ago, I stood in a musty basement of a Baptist church, joining hands with a group of about 40 people, and decided to step out in faith to become part of a new family. The pastor of our small church had just given a sermon about the passage in Matthew 19 where Jesus is talking to His disciples right after telling them the story of the rich young ruler or, the rich young man.

    The rich young man had an interaction with Jesus where he was asked to sell everything he had, give the money to the poor, and follow Jesus. He turned it down, but after hearing this story, the disciples were a tad confused because, they had given up everything to follow him. EVERYTHING. Family, jobs, money, homes, everything. 

The passage goes like this... 

" 27 Then Peter said (in reply), “See, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?”28 Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, in the new world, when the Son of Man will sit on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life." ( Matthew 19:27-29)

   That evening at church, God told me that this would be my new family. At the time, I was living with my parents, whom I love, and I had about 4 or 5 friends up in Thousand Oaks, where I lived,  who shared my faith and who I saw pretty regularly. I was comfortable. That was my home. That was my family. That's all I had known my whole life. I didn't go away for college, I didn't move out when I was 18. To be honest, I was scared to leave that nest! I didn't even like L.A.!

    I took a risk after I heard that word from God and moved to Santa Monica. I barely knew the folks at Risen Church and I was scared I wouldn't fit in and find friends... but God was clear. I'm not one of those people who says that lightly and easily. When I've heard from God its been unmistakable... And now, 5 years later, I see He wasn't kidding. 

    The past few days I've shared some personal things in this blog that have lead to bigger, more generalized lessons. Today, I simply want to pause in gratitude for God's faithfulness to His promise that day. 

    Hear me when I say that I love my biological family. They are hilarious, warm, imperfect but wonderful people and I love them and value my history with them. 

   But in His body, in His church, God has given me new and overwhelming family. That's how Jesus described the church in scripture... as family. I've come to really know that in my life and I'm kind of blown away by it. 

    For example, lets talk about my week so far. Monday I woke up, read a book I'm sharing with our pastor and my good friend Leah, our administrative genius on staff, walked to Leah's place, had a cup of coffee and chatted about church business and what God's doing with those two, walked home, cruised to another friend's home where I had fun working out then breaking bread with 4 friends from our church family. Then today, I woke up and went to Disneyland for a few hours with a beloved sister from our community while a brother came and checked on our dog, then I came home and prepared dinner with my husband for a dear friend from church who is moving away this week. She asked us what we were learning right now in our marriage, we sipped tasty wine, and prayed over one another to part. 

    Now, for me, that actually feels a tad mellow for my normal weekdays. Day in and day out, I'm used to sharing time, meals, coffee, wine and good conversation with numerous folks in our community. We take care of one another. As blessed as I've been by biological family, God has given me family in these people in this place. 

This family, this new band of brothers and sisters, is bound not by genetics. We don't have one another's noses and facial traits. But we were all adopted into this family by the blood of Christ, and we partake in the same grace, the same hope, the same love. The same Spirit moves and lives in our hearts.  We get to point one another towards Him in our peaks and valleys...

    I'm so thankful to have been adopted into the family of Christ, and to find it so richly here in Santa Monica. I encourage you, brothers and sisters, to seek out the kind of friendships that feel like family. Jon and I are blessed to have it in multiple places. In Santa Monica, Seattle, Anaheim, Thousand Oaks, Marina, New York, Tennessee, Wales, and beyond. 

Today was just one of those days where I'm left standing amazed by the grace of God as I feel so surrounded and known. Five years ago I left my nuclear family to move here... and He has given me family tenfold. He is faithful. He didn't let me down.

Thanks be to God

Sincerely, 

Carly Calmes the First

Lessons in Friendship:The Race

Yo! I've been wanting to write this post for almost two months now but life's been crazy and I keep prolonging finishing the dang thing. Aaaaaanyhow. I ran a half-marathon in Malibu with a group of friends from church about two months ago.

As is in my nature to do, I picked up some deeper truths about this wild life from the process of training, preparing for and actually running this race. Two years ago I ran my first half and I felt like I couldn't carry all the lessons I learned in those 13 miles if I wanted to! There were lessons of perseverance, the poison of competition, the journey or personhood, and of course linking up my personal experience to all those Bible verses on "running the race".

This year's race brought a whole new set of lovely truths. Most of them were more difficult to learn because this race was REALLY, really hard. If you want to run your first half-marathon I don't suggest this course. It's all on the Pacific Coast Highway and you get to behold the ocean for almost the entire race which, is wonderful. However, the last 7 miles are hills. LONG, DRAWN OUT hills. That's the majority of the race, by the way. It was very, very difficult por moi.

This race was really special to me because I got to learn about friendship in a really humbling way. My friend Tiffany is an incredible athlete with a heart of solid gold. She's one of the most badass athletes I know and she is constantly challenging herself to go harder, to be faster and stronger and she is NO joke when it comes to tri-athelons and running.

This is Tiffany:

Yeah, no big deal.

Anyhow, in a moment of honesty I told her that I was pretty nervous about the half because I knew I'd be the slowest in our group by far. I'm not in as good of shape as I used to be, and even in peak condition, my natural pace is way slower than the group of friends I was running with that day. I had this haunting image in my head, of everyone at the finish line way way ahead of me, getting impatient with and feeling kind of sorry for me, thinking what a fat loser I was ( This is my blog and I'll be disgustingly honest if I want to). This has been a hard year for me and my relationship with myself and the weeks leading up to this race magnified that whole problem quite a bit.

Tiffany listened patiently while I rattled off my laundry list of insecurities the day before the race. She gave me two options ( I hope she doesn't mind me saying this. I think its funny) She said " Ok, I can either smoke everyone else and leave them in the dust, or run alongside you the whole way- whatever will make you feel better".

I thought about it and at first, all I could think was that I didn't want to hold her back, I know she's a rockstar and she'd be really slowing herself down to stay by my side. Before I could utter a response she nailed it and said "BUT, you have to trust that I don't mind staying with you AT ALL. And you have to PROMISE that you won't get all weird half way through and demand that I go ahead without you."

Well, that took care of THAT. She definitely NEEDED to ask me to promise her that, I found out.

I wrestled with the decision because I really didn't want to hold her back, but she PROMISED she wouldn't feel held back.... So the night before the race I told her I decided I'd like to run with her.

I was nervous about how this would turn out. I could just see myself stopping half way and dramatically forcing her to go on without me like I was a wounded soldier in the Vietnam war. Or this guy:

But alas, there we were at 4 AM driving out to Malibu, and I just had to trust that she's the kind of person who doesn't B.S. her friends when she promises them things. We'd run together and I'd have to just keep on keepin on no matter how bad I wanted to shut down and go it alone.

( You see where this is going, right?)

The first 6 miles or so was great. I felt like I was doing alright, we were just chuggin along and then ( GASP!) they changed the course on me and all that remained were 7 miles of hills.

You must know by now of my neuroses, which means that I charted the course like I would be gone at sea for a month and needed to know everything that could go wrong. I had it DOWN. Then... they changed it UNEXPECTEDLY and it made me so anxious that I had a full blown asthma attack. I kid you not.

I wheezed for almost a full mile while I tried to find a breathing rhythm and tried to squeeze every drop of medication out of my inhaler which was about empty to begin with.

Needless to say, I was NOT feeling good about the whole thing. We ended up finishing in about 2:20, which is not bad considering the hill and asthma situation.

Tiff and I talked the following week. She filled me in that it was a joy for her to run alongside me and that she prayed for me the entire race. The more I think about it, the more her example of friendship has taught me.

Here's what she showed me about friendship that day...

1) Sometimes good friendship is simply with-ness.

What I mean is, the last thing I wanted as I felt pathetic and like quitting was Tiffany turning toward me and barking "LET'S GO! COME ON! PUSH IT!". During THIS race, all I needed was for her to be there next to me. I think there's room in life to coach one another but... Sometimes we just need to be loved and for someone to keep in step with where we're at. We think we need to say all the right things, but there's nothing we can say that's louder than just being there.

2) Sometimes, friendship means losing sight of who's winning.

I think that there's this aspect of friendship that says that in order to love one another, we're going to have to stop competing. We're going to have to throw off our need to be ahead of everyone else in order to stay alongside those that need us. Sometimes this shows itself in races, sometimes it shows itself in sacrificing personal glory... But as soon as we stop wondering who's better all the time, our walls come down and our hearts open up. We can love one another without any creepy edge that secretly wants the other to get fat or fail.

We can cheer others on simply out of love... even if we're not ahead of them...Without playing "the game" as Shauna Neiquist put it in "Cold Tangerines"

She says " You know the game--you think of the thing you have that they don't to make yourself feel better."

We all play the game, right? Our inner monologue goes something like " Yeah she's pretty, but she's not very intelligent." or " Yeah she's got her master's but, I have an amazing husband". Girls do B.S. like this all of the time. Its pretty sick and it's not love. Love can compliment simply because its the truth about that person, no matter what we feel the truth about us is.

Anyhow, all that's to say that, loving your friends sometimes means that you have to keep your competitive edge at bay for the sake of building them up. Its hard, but its good.

Tiffany showed me so much love in that way. She could have finished in like, an hour less than we finished. She sacrificed proving her (beyond) capability to stick with me.

3) There's nothing like finishing the race together.

We aren't meant to do this thing, this life, alone. I couldn't have run that race by myself. Without Tiffany by my side I would have given up and cried myself to pieces feeling inadequate and like a big sorry loser. Her presence and, now I know, her prayers kept me moving. We crossed the finish line together and I'm so grateful. I know that there may be things in her life where my presence and prayers help her cross a finish line of another sort, and that's the good stuff. That's friendship. Truth be told, I'd much rather cross a finish line with a good friend than by myself. As we push ourselves toward whatever glorious end we're looking forward to... Whether its a race or a hard month or a year or... whatever it may be, its important to recognize that we can't do it all on our own. That's not just OK, its beautiful and good. Embrace it. Its all of us. You aren't alone. Needing help isn't just normal, its human.

4) Accepting the love in your life is imperative to moving forward.

Tiffany made me promise not to shut down and push her away. She asked me to TRUST that she WANTED to run with me. What she was really asking me to do was to accept her love.

In order to fulfill those promises I made, I had to resist every ounce of shame and embarrassment that welled up within me. I had to trust that she loved me. I just had to trust it. I had to accept it, even if it wasn't easy to. If I had resisted and had freaked out and told her to go on without me, it'd be like telling her she was lying to me. Her love wasn't real. She didn't mean what she said...

But the latter kept me moving. I have a really good friend in Tiff and just accepting that, though it made me feel guilty at times and undeserving, is a gift that humbles and amazes me.

Anyhow, I barely did it, but I couldn't have done it without the gift of a friend humbly running beside me and cheering me on. Thanks, Tiff. You're a gem. Thanks for loving me like Jesus, laying down yourself to build me up. I won't forget it.

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First

Cody Pt. 3: Timing

   

 Tonight, I was circled up in the industrial kitchen in the back of the space where we meet for church, praying with a few brothers and sisters before service started. I kept having to remind myself to tune into the heart-felt prayers of those in the circle, but I was too distracted.  I couldn't help myself wondering if Cody would make an appearance.

After a few minutes of dedicating the evening to Jesus, we exited the kitchen and trickled into  our meeting space. Before I had time to fully scan the room I saw him.

Cody showed up.

     I saw his motorized chair wheeling around the place and apparently he had been asking for me because when I approached him, folks seemed to know of our new friendship. 

We caught up a bit as I introduced him to everyone I could find. He was preeeetty popular. 

My good friend Steve and I cruised Cody around the rows of chairs as he looked for the perfect spot. He picked a spot dead-center in the front row. Bold, Cody. Youz a bold dude. 

    After we sang the opening songs ( which Cody certainly sang along with, in his own way), Trevor got on stage and started giving his beautiful sermon. I watched from the side, checking out how Cody was doing. 

   He was probably the loudest person in the room during the entire sermon. He said a few "Amen"s, gave Trev some good feedback on his anecdotes, and chirped in every time something resonated with him. In that way, it seemed like things were goin great. 

    On the other hand, tonight's sermon was about the death of Lazarus. When Jesus hears about his friend Lazarus on his death bed, he is deeply concerned, but doesn't head toward his home to heal him right away. He waits days, even. The majority of tonight's message centered around our inability to be patient as we wait on God to fulfill his promises. We pray for healing, for opportunity, for restoration, for all sorts of things... and although God is faithful, its most often not in a manner that matches our idea of good timing. The truth is that it IS always good timing, but in that waiting zone it can feel cruel and unusual, like God might not care as much as we're told. 

Oy. 

    As I sat watching Cody nod his head and make notes on his iPhone with his nose... All I could think about was how much I wish we had something that felt more tangible to tell him about his condition. I wish I could tell him something "better" than "God promises that one day He'll make everything right". 

I know in my guts that when that day comes, I'll be shaking my head in recognition that there really ISN'T anything better. However, tonight, sitting a few feet away from a crippled man, all I could think about was how much I wish Trevor had been talking about.... just about ANYTHING else. 

Timing.

A paraplegic man comes to church for the first time and the message is about how we just... need to put our partially blind trust in God's timing in the midst of our suffering? 

Seems like spooky poor timing.

Cody received prayer from the prayer team after the message and then went on his way, and wheeled himself all the way home before the last set of songs. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. 

Maybe I'll see him again, I dunno. 

But it feels so pertinent to tonights message that I'm struggling with God's timing. 

   Something peculiar happens when you invite someone to church for the first time and they show up. Maybe its just me, but I pay way more attention to each word of each song, prayer and most certainly, how the message might be hitting them. 

The strangest part of my oversensitivity to this is that its almost like God purposefully plans things in a way that I wouldn't. Its like, every time I bring someone in for the first time everything from the songs to the sermon aren't the way I want them to be. 

But I think that's because I forget who God is. I forget how this thing works.

God doesn't need the pastor to say the right things in order to reach my friends. God doesn't need me to sing the perfect song in a perfect way to move the hearts of the congregants. Sometimes I think he has everything seem wrong to illustrate how much He DOESN'T need it to be right.

We think so much depends on our performance! God most certainly uses us powerfully, but if we think for one second that this whole thing, this whole ministry, depends on our delivery... well... We'd be wrong. 

We serve a Living God, who can do anything with anything at any time on any day. He does what He wants to. While that makes me slightly uncomfortable with how NOT in control I am, its also rather liberating. 

As a famed Young Life speaker says it "God loves you way too much to put others' salvation on your shoulders". Now, do we stop preaching? No. Do we stop singing? No. Do we stop engaging others in conversation? No. We just quit worrying about screwing things up beyond God's ability to repair. ( That's impossible, see)

     One of my favorite ways to illustrate this comes from a conversation I had with a few friends a couple of years ago . A group of old Young Life groupies got together over some breakfast and got to chatting about camp experiences we'd had over the years. It got to the point where we ended up talking about "Worst camps ever". We shared war stories and at one point, my friend Rachel started describing the worst camp she's ever seen. The skits and games were terrible, the speaker was cheesy, everything went wrong. As she was describing it I started to feel an eerie sense well up in me. "Uh, I was AT that camp", I said, " and I thought it was amazing. Best week of my life. I ended up giving my life to Christ that week!". She sank in her chair and we were all humbled, realizing that the God we serve is so much bigger and more powerful than what humans pull off. 

He doesn't need us. He lets us in on his schemes, though, and we just get to be faithful to Him in the middle of it and enjoy the ride. 

    The seemingly poor timing of tonights message might just be a way God's reminding me that He's got this. God is mysterious and sometimes hard to trust but if there's one thing that He keeps teaching me its that He's always up to something. 

Sometimes you have to just... give it time. 

I don't think God wants me to worry about Cody ( or anything, am I right?). I think God wants me to trust Cody in His hands. 

That's the plan for now. I hope to see him again, but I know the God of the universe is chasing him, and loves him more than I know. 

Here's to Cody showing up, and God's strange but perfect timing. 

Sincerely, 

Carly Calmes the First