Cody Pt. 2: Good Enough

This is going to start off as a bit of an addendum to my post about Cody last night, and it might be sort of a downer way to start. If I'm totally honest, after I got home from the grocery store I didn't feel good at all. I wasn't replaying the sweet moment of prayer I had with a stranger in a grocery store. You know what I WAS replaying in my head?

I was re-playing the way that Cody's friend, Hunter, looked at me when I opened my eyes after I had prayed. He had a look on his face that can best be described as surprised and suspicious. You see, when Cody asked me to pray for him, Hunter had walked to another aisle to grab something. So he missed the interaction leading up to us praying, and when he came back we were holding hands and bowing our heads. As I said "See you Sunday?", Hunter darted a somewhat weary glance at me and I my heart froze.

Did he think that I was trying to pray for Cody to make him walk and talk again? Did he think I was aiming at a grocery store conversion? My heart started to beat quickly and I got a little queasy as I paced around Ralph's. I started to feel a bit of fear that I had come across as some stereotypical arrogant Christian, meeting a crippled man and instantly turning him into a charity case to make me feel like I was doing something good, when Hunter is the one who serves Cody day in and day out.

Once I got home I started thinking about how I've been reading through Acts lately and the first apostles were healing folks like CRAZY. Should I have taken that opportunity to pray for physical healing in his life? Should I have.... the list went on and I let my fear eclipse the somewhat miraculous thing God had just done.

Do you see it? Do you see how quickly I let the blessing of meeting Cody turn into a fear-filled, dread-drenched, self-esteem sucker? Seconds. SECONDS. I like how Tina Fey puts it,

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”  ― Tina Fey, Bossypants 

Side Note: If you haven't read Bossypants, what the fritz are you doing reading my blog? Do yourself a favor and go buy it, pour yourself a glass of something tasty, and get carried away. Its my favorite non-Jesus book ever. Also, the Audiobook is incredibly funny, as she reads it with all kinds of genius inflection. 

End Sidenote.

What was I saying? Oh yes, I had turned what was a treat from Jesus into a rabbit hole of darkness which it took me almost the entire evening to climb out of.

Jon and I just finished going through both letters to the Corinthians from Paul, and there's this bit in the first letter that I can't get over. Paul is talking about judgement; mostly about when it is and is not appropriate for us to wear the judge hat. I think it would shock the world to know that he says its RARELY appropriate ( Only within your church family and only in a VERY particular way that is imperative to pair with grace. More on that another time). 

Paul says:

"I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts." 1 Corinthians 4:3-5a

There's a lot of good stuff in there but what stands out to me right now is that bit where he declares he doesn't even judge himself. When I read that, my innards scream out "HOW!!??" 

I confess, that I judge myself all the time. In every single capacity. Unfortunately...Somewhere in me, I feel like its necessary to always judge myself "Guilty".

Did I overstep? "Guilty".

Did I fail that person? "Guilty".

Paul mentions that he isn't innocent, but his conscience is somehow clear.

Somewhere in me is the poisonous belief that everything I do, whether in word or deed, isn't good enough.

So, what Paul points out here is PROFOUND for me. Much to my surprise... it might not ever be my job to judge myself. 

Deciding whether or not I'm good enough might not be something the Lord EVER wanted on my to-do list.

Like. Ever.  ( Taylor Swift? Does anyone get that reference?)

I might be walking around with a heavy and burdensome job title ( self-judge) that doesn't even belong to me?

This is good news.

This is the gospel, for me.

I probably could have done better last night...but I think God planned for me to not do it perfectly. He's not surprised that I fumbled my words and failed to say "Hi" to the paralyzed man, and averted my eyes because I was so uncomfortable when I couldn't understand what he was saying.

The good news is that the only One who's judgement matters has grace that is an endless ocean, a bottomless sea.

By His grace, He doesn't have a laundry list of my faults constantly at the tip of His tongue. Infact, because of Jesus... He doesn't have it anywhere. Not even tucked in his back pocket incase He needs it down the road somewhere. ( Sneak attack)

I have to believe that God's bigger than I am. I have to believe that He knows I wanted to let that guy know of His love, and that He can do what I infinitely can't.... He can take my imperfect prayers and woo Cody's heart into a love dance with Him. He can plant a seed in Hunter's heart that might be harvested in 10 years when something clicks and he thinks of the supermarket one Friday night.

It is finished.

He has made me more than good enough in the riches of His mercy.

Lord, help me to stop judging myself. Help me to humbly remove the  "Guilty" sign I keep putting back around my neck.

Amen.

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First

Ps: I most certainly am not implying that I should live carelessly without discipline and not adhering to Jesus' teachings. Obviously it requires a level of self-awareness to make good choices and to attempt at living in a way that pleases God.  Just... just so you know.

Cody on Aisle 7

Tonight I dropped Jon off at his softball game and went to grab groceries. Look, I know it seems bad that I didn't go to the game before heading to the store... but... its been like 3 weeks since my last grocery trip and we were starting to live like savages.

SAVAGES.

   So, I thought I'd hit up T.J.'s, my ol' standby, but as I drove past Ralph's I pulled the switcheroo. Sometimes you think you're pullin' the switcheroo and you're actually being steered by God. No joke.

(Please don't judge me for this next part)

I was perusing the aisles when I heard what sounded like a couple of bro's making silly voices... maybe making fun of something. I thought "ugh, a couple of lame guys being lame. I hope I don't run into them"

Just then, a guy (who looked strikingly like Zach Galifinakis) turned the corner followed by a young man who appeared to have quadriplegic cerebral palsy. Those noises were the young man struggling to speak to his friend as they shopped.

My lil' ugly heart sank deep into my rib cage. Oh... those... weren't... bros...

I smiled at them as they passed, then kept on stocking my basket. As I snaked around each aisle, I kept running into them. Right in the middle, like clockwork.

Finally, somewhere between the pasta sauce and the canned veggies, we stopped dead center. The young man turned to meet my eyes and said "Hi!"

"Hi!", I shouted back, somewhat taken off guard.

"What's your name?" he slowly, sweetly asked.

"Carly. What's YOUR name?"

"Cody"

Friends, we were.

We carried on. He asked if I was from the South. He's an Iowa boy, himself. "No", I said, "but my husband's parents are" . ( Ladies, sometimes you gotta drop an H bomb. Husband...bomb...that...is...err)

He asked about my job and I got to telling him about our lil' church. I told him he should swing by sometime, and that we love new folks.

He paused for what felt like 5 minutes. " I don't like to get up early" he said, with a twinge of hesitation.

"Well neither do I! Our service is at 6 pm! You can sleep in all you want and still make it to church.. I'm just sayin' Cody"

He smiled and immediately started nosing(literally) his iPhone that was rigged to his motorized wheelchair. He was opening his calendar app. He wasn't kiddin' around, this Cody. He asked me to type in the details so he could make it to the service.

We wrapped up our churchy plans,  and I told him I was looking forward to seeing him sunday. I was already kind of buzzing with a sense of this being so strange and lovely when he held out his hand, curled into a ball.

Just as I was about to say "See ya later, Cody", he boldly asked if I could say a prayer for him.

"Right... right now?" I asked.

Before he could answer me he had placed his balled up hand near mine. I grabbed his forearm and said " Well, okay!"

Knowing nothing about him I just... prayed who knows what in the middle of the canned food aisle of Ralph's.

We parted ways and I told him I looked forward to seeing him Sunday.

I guess you just never know. You never know when God might want to remind you that because you're his kid, you're not the average bear, and you aren't going to have average experiences. Just like our biological families, no matter how much we think we don't...we carry him with us. As believers, we carry Jesus in us.

So I guess we shouldn't be so surprised when we find ourselves in situations that seem absurd... but just stink of Christ ( in a good way).

Thanks be to God, that when we hand over our stories to Him, He makes them rich with strange beauty.

Thanks for the run-in Cody. Can't wait to meet again.

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First

If you block it, it will not exist elsewhere

What is the DEAL!?

So, as all 3 of you know, I sing. Right? That's what I do. I sing songs in front of people. I've been doing it ( fairly inconsistently) for about 6 or 7 years now. So you'd think that I have it down... you'd THINK that when I did it now that I'd feel somewhat comfortable...

WELL YOU'D BE DEAD WRONG! 

    Our church is undergoing a massive change in how we operate and in doing so we are needing to raise a bunch of money.( about 200,000)  For a mega church like Saddleback or something it'd be friggin, spare change, but for us its pretty major. Members of our community are trying all kinds of fun things to help raise the money. Bake sales, silent auctions, etc. Well, tonight, we had a fund raising concert. I opened the night up with a few songs.

I used to do this a few times a month and I felt pretty solid... I mean, I've never felt GREAT about my own music but, I felt OK with playing shows when I was doing it regularly. Well, somewhere between getting engaged, married, taking on the job at the church and here... I've totally stopped singing my own songs. I probably have played 4 shows in the past 2 years.

The lack of practice had left me feeling so rusty and so uncomfortable that it was like preparing to play my first show ever. I think I was LESS nervous for my first show than I was tonight.

So why did I do it at all? Why put myself through this miserable process of discouragement and fear followed by remorse and insecurity?

I asked Jesus that question recently... He told me simply, "That's how I made you. Its who you are. Its my story in you... so find a way to get past your fears and do it."

Well, tonight I walked off the stage feeling a little more like myself. A little more like I was one with my Creator...living into His original design for me.

Mark my words. I have to keep doing this. I can't keep stopping for years. Its who I am. It reminds me of this quote...

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open… No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

- Martha Graham

What's your thing? It might be the thing you're MOST scared to do.

Sincerely,

Carly Calmes the First

Reality is boring

Dang y'all... This blogging every day in January is gonna be rough. 

It's almost midnight on DAY TWO and I'm strugglin!

      So, tonight Jon and I went on a mini date to the movies and saw "This is 40". We both have a secret love for Judd Apatow and I have a not so secret love for Paul Rudd. We'd been wanting to see it as it appeared to hit the nail on the head with some marital nuances and had that... realistic-funny thing going on, which we like. 

    We both enjoyed it well enough and I'd watch it on Netflix again someday but it reminded me a bit of some wisdom Donald Miller imparted into my life. Normal life is kind of boring. 

    Well, that's KIND of the point he made. In his book " A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", Don talks about how his other book " Blue Like Jazz" was being made into a film. "Blue.." was a memoir that jumped through vignettes of Don's life, mostly centered around his faith and the majority of the charm in the book is how it makes you feel normal as you read it. What I mean is, as you read it you mostly swim around in Don's doubts, his fears and insecurities and you end up recognizing that there's beauty and life and God in all those things and that you might not be so crazy and blasphemous afterall. It makes you feel human.

    Whoa! Side tracked. Anyhow, in preparation to make "Blue Like Jazz" the movie, Don spent time with some writers and producers who were working on how to take the memoir and make it something people actually wanted to watch. This was offensive to Don at first but then he realized, most of our normal day-to-day lives don't make for good films. Nobody wants to watch you sit on the ipad while "Real Housewives" plays in the background or have a mundane bicker fest with your husband over leaving the seat up etc. People want the highlights and they want a good story. 

    I would say that "This is 40", while nailing a lot about what its like to be married and to want to be better versions of ourselves and how frustrating normal crap is- but in a funny way- I'd say it was kind of too much like real life.  Its strength was its weakness for me. 

    It felt drawn out in spots because it honestly felt so much like watching normal things happen... and it was weird to feel like that wasn't interesting enough. I guess I'm a sucker for stimulation just like the rest of the world! 

   In other news... if you've been to Disneyland in the past few years you've probably heard or noticed that there are some distinct smells. They do that on purpose. They PUMP smells into the air! A few signature scents at the parks are the gingerbread at Christmas time ( after the fireworks show the BLAST it into the air), and the citrus and pine used on "Soarin Over California".

    WELL, my friend Cleve lives nextdoor to the folks behind these scents and for Christmas   he got me ( drumroll please) a scent distrubutor and the actual scent packets from Disney. I shit you not, my living room smells like the pine on "Soarin" at this very moment!!!

Anyhow, that's all for today. Rent "This is 40" if you're married ( I think the married folks were the only ones laughing during SEVERAL parts) and beware of a lot of Leslie Mann boob, F bombs, and Megan Fox being her annoying overrated self ( did I say that out loud?). Oh, and read Donald Miller books!

Until tomorrow, 

Carly Escoto Calmes the First

New Year. Newish-mostlythesame you.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

I bet you thought I wasn't going to remember my resolution to blog every day in January, huh?

Actually, I remembered only about an hour ago at dinner with some friends.

BUT HERE I AM!

Happy 2013, gang. Doesn't 2013 sound CRAZY? It does to me. I remember all the kaffufle when the year 2000 struck 13 years ago- I was 13 at the time... and now its 13 years later. What the WHAT!!

Anyhow, I hope you all enjoyed your New Years celebrations. I had a great time hangin out with some dear friends ( shout out to Casey from http://theviewfromeastsouth.wordpress.com !). We had yummy snacks and drinks (beer and bacon jam?) , played one fantastic round of Cards Against Humanity, and when the clock struck midnight, smooched our loves 

and watched the Disneyland fireworks, which you can see from our friend's home. It was a glorious evening and we had a blast.

Today, as we were driving back home, our friend Jeremy asked Jon and I what 2013 will hold for us. At first I wanted to think of some really profound and inspired answer... but then all I could mutter was,

"I don't know...I mean, I hope we end up here a year from now, able to say that we're better."

I think there's a lot of pressure at this time of year to create super noble goals and decide that within a certain amount of time we will lose the parts of ourselves that we hate and become the people we've always wanted to become. Somehow, when this date rolls around every year we want to change all the areas of our lives all at once. We hope that in the next 12 months we'll be the skinniest, nicest, most successful, responsible and charitable versions of ourselves.

However, the truth is that we DON'T know for sure what will come. All we can do is decide how to walk out our lives right..this... moment. We have no idea what will come from our families, jobs, from the world around us and our circumstances. We don't actually know who we'll be in a year, but we CAN decide to surrender ourselves in pieces within the tiny moments of each day. We can decide to forgive that person who we're upset with right now. We can decide to eat something that nourishes our bodies right now. True transformation and growth happens by making little baby choices in the directions we want to go.

So, on one hand, I think its tremendously important to think big about your life. By no means do I think one shouldn't set goals or desire big change... However, we can all stop putting pressure on ourselves to become everything we want to become as soon as the clock strikes 12 on New Years Day. Too many of us feel like crap about ourselves because we expect dramatic change in an unrealistic manner.

In conclusion,( mostly talking to myself, here) don't worry so much about who you'll be in a year... instead, take the time to live intentionally today. And be patient with yourself.... TRUE transformation isn't easy nor is it fast, and it most CERTAINLY doesn't occur without a little struggle and hard work. True transformation only happens by surrendering to the Divine....and we all know God has a different time table than we do. CAN A SISTA GET AN AMEN!?

So, if I could go back and re-answer Jeremy's question about what I hope 2013 will hold... I would have liked to have said that I hope that today I can live into the call that God has put on my life; That today I can make decisions that are healthy for me and for my marriage and relationships. I hope at the end of this year I know Jesus better. That I'm closer with Him and in turn more like Him than I am today...But that I really just hope I'm all those things more today than I was yesterday.

Phew. Here's to 2013.

Sincerely, 

Carly Escoto Calmes, the First