Its the end of the year as we know it!

          Well, folks, its that time of year.  We've been ramping up for Christmas for weeks and weeks; blasting carols, decking halls, wearing festive sweaters, purchasing and giving gifts, the whole shebang. And now, it's December 26th and if you're like me... The blues have come. 

   

     Look, I know that Christmas is a time where we pause to celebrate that our God came to be with us, and that the birth of that baby God-boy two thousand years ago marked the great redemptive start for all of us broken and weary which doesn't end just because the holiday is over. However, I always feel a little glum when the season shifts. Its so much build up for two days then BOOM... Its over. 

       Aaaaaanyway, Christmas was nice this year. Jon and I spent a few days up in Seattle which was mostly lovely and full of celebration.

     My personal favorite part was spending an evening at The Herbfarm ( http://www.theherbfarm.com ).  Our friends gifted us with an evening there which included many a magical thing not the least of which was an incredible 9 course meal with delicious wine pairings. This place is AMAZING. Its a cozy renovated herb farm and home-turned 5 diamond restaurant. We walked in from the cold and were greeted with hot cider and smiles from an intimate staff of about 8. They let you roam around the home and farm which are decked out for the holidays and full of fun twists and turns ( an upstairs library dining area, an impressive wine cellar, dining rooms adorned with chandeliers, adorable chotchkies that each had their own miniature santa hats and/or red reindeer noses...etc).

    Once all of the dinner guests are gathered ( about 40-50), the woman of the house shares the story of the farm, lets the guests taste herbs grown on site that will be used in the meal, and gets to know everyone a bit. We were then welcomed into the beautiful dining area that has a completely open kitchen front and center. Our table was set with personalized details and festive decor. 

     Then once everyone is seated, the man of the house comes and re-introduces the space, followed by thoroughly introducing each and every server, chef, sous-chef, and sommelier. After that, the head chef comes out and tells you in personal detail about each course; where the ingredients came from ( ex:  " There's a couple about ten miles down the road that have hands-down the best crop of mushrooms this time of year, they called me last week and told me I'd better swing by so, we added them to your dish etc"). So when you bit into your delicious scallop in the third course, you didn't just taste all of the flavors of the shellfish, you tasted the character and story of those who caught them. It was incredibly personal and made for a truly unforgettable meal. Not only was the food, wine and service top notch but, they welcomed Dickens Christmas carolers to the dining room during the 4 hour feast who filled the room with beautiful songs personally selected by each of the tables. Fun fact: you can also feed their on-site pigs anytime in between courses. They give you buckets of food scraps and detailed instructions to give their pigs some lovin'. 

It was absolutely fantastic and was a huge blessing to receive as a gift!!

     We flew back yesterday and spent some time with my side of the family, which was good although we were totally exhausted.

    So now we're in the post-Christmas pre-New Years zone. Every year at this time,  you will find me vacillating between making resolutions and being highly opinionated about why NOT to make them. 

     However, this year I think I've got a couple that I could try. You ready? Ok, here they are...

1) I'm going to blog every day in January.

     You might be shuddering to yourself at this one but, I really really enjoy blogging and I've gotten myself into a place where, due to my serious subject matter, blogging has become this big intimidating thing. I used to blog almost every day about random things ( recipes, funny stories, etc) and it was a lot of fun to write and definitely more fun to read. I'm only challenging myself for a month because any more than that and I'll certainly fail. That's just crazy.  

2)  Answer the phone if I can.  

     I have this terrible habit that I had passed down to me of not answering phone calls. Maybe its the illusion of control ( I like the ball in my court?) or something but, I almost always let it go to voicemail even if I'm totally free to talk. I have mad phone anxiety ( so silly). The thing is, once I get a voicemail, I end up putting off a return call, feeling guilty, feeling embarrassed, and then putting it off so long that I just never return it. Its a bad habit. A really bad one. In the spirit of being a good friend/daughter/family member, I hereby set out to answer my calls as much as I possibly can ( obviously, if I'm in a bind or on a ride at Disneyland, I'll have to call you back). 

3) Text and Email back immediately.

     This is similar to #2 but, I have a bad habit of receiving emails and texts and, instead of responding quickly to let the other person know I've received their message, I tell myself I will later then totally forget. Its terrible. 

4) Read scripture every day in 2013

    Yeah, I'm doin it. I'm really making this a resolution. I want to read the Bible every day in 2013. Have I made this one before? Yes. Have I ever done it? No. Is it worth it to try again? Yes. So THERE.

5) Finish my album

    I gave myself (kinda) grace for taking so long to finish the project I started two years ago and now its just ridiculous. If I don't finish this album in 2013, someone punch me in the face. 

   That's all for now, as I don't believe New Years is the only time to set goals for oneself. I have some other goals in the works but, these are my resolutions right now. 

    So, I'm gonna take a few days here and start collecting ideas for blog topics because... Lordy Lordy, I don't know how I'm gonna blog every day in January... but DARNIT, I AM. 

I hope you all enjoyed yourselves this Christmas, and I'll see ya in the new year!

I leave you with this snap of me with the guy taking our boarding passes yesterday. He had a tiny Santa hat on so as far as I'm concerned... He had this comin' 

Full cups. Tended-to gardens.

This is a post in which I will be essentially cheerleading for a team I don't play for. I guess a lot of my posts are like that... What I mean is, I'm going to write passionately about something that I'm really... really bad at. By the way I talk about it you'd think I was some sort of expert by experience. Maybe I am an expert by experience, however its in reverse. I believe in this because by failing to practice it I've experienced an unnecessary amount of pain, frustration, and exhaustion. "Enough build-up already, we get the point!" - All 4 of you

I'm notoriously bad at self-care. Somewhere along the lines I became a proponent of Christian people-pleasing ( That thing where people take verses about humility and make them about justifying poor boundaries). What happened was, I started following Jesus, then I heard somewhere in ministry or something that loving like Jesus means always putting others before yourself and in fear of disobeying that, I decided to give everyone in my life more than they asked for or expected.

(What ACTUALLY happened is I gave people who I was most afraid to disappoint more than they asked for or expected. )

I actually believed that taking care of yourself was wrong and a big fat pot of sin and if Jesus came back when you were taking care of yourself BOY you'd better believe he'd smack you in the hands with a ruler!!

Yes, Jesus came here and, like it illustrates in Paul's letter to the Philippians "made Himself nothing" for our sake. Yes he healed the sick and spent time with the least of these and yes He, in the most selfless sacrificial act of all time gave Himself over to death on a cross for the sake of restoring all of creation!  However, I missed one KEY part of the story and I think others have missed this as well... Jesus took care of Himself.

Oh yeah, I said it. He was into self-care. What did this look like? Frequently stealing away by Himself to be with God. That's right: By HIMSELF. Here He was, the visible image of the invisible God, the Messiah, teaching all of us what it looks like to be fully alive and fully human... and he made sure to get some quality time alone.

( Cut to scene of Jesus' disciples bumping into him after he'd been missing for a few hours.

Disciple: Dude, where have you been?

Jesus: Needed some me time, bro. Get off my back.

*I kid. I don't think Jesus ever used the words "me time" nor would that describe what he was up to)

Now, I could post every day for a year about the need for self care, for sabbath and rest,  and how the church does a terrible job at giving a balanced and healthy understanding of this to its congregants... But I want to tie this into marriage right now.

In this lovely passage of time between Jon's jobs, I have been learning a ton. Something I've come to a lot lately is that if I'm not taking care of myself I'm pretty bad at marriage.

Here's how it goes:

* I neglect reading scripture, taking time to journal, reading books I love, doing my thang thang.

* Sub-consciously my soul is getting increasingly restless and thirsty.

* Thirst turns itself into stress that brews subtly.

* I interact with Jon from a place of stress, thirst and frustration with myself which turns me into a crazed jerkface. 

When I'm in this place, I get incredibly selfish and become irritated with anything that isn't pleasing to me. I start to think its Jon's job to make me happy- that its his job to maintain my contentment.

But the truth is obvious; He's not Jesus. He's not gonna measure up in that capacity because he's not created to! When I'm letting God fill my cup by reading His word, spending time with Him, doing things He gifted me to do, doing things that He created me to enjoy ( reading a good book, taking a hot bath, cooking, being with friends)  and taking care of the heart and body He gave me, I can engage with my husband without expecting him to be perfect. I feel like myself. I love better.

Its YOUR responsibility and YOURS ALONE to make sure  that you are taking care of your soul- and if you want to preserve peace in your relationships, start with doing what you need to preserve peace in your own heart.

When I am taking care of myself spiritually, physically and emotionally, I am able to step up to the proverbial plate of marriage as my best self. On top of that, and maybe most importantly, I show up without the expectation that Jon is supposed to do that work for me. I can give and not just take.

In conclusion:  Child, you'd better fill that cup

Ok, not exactly like K-Fed pouring what appears to be GIN AND JUICE into a ridiculous pimp cup...

I'm talkin about the good stuff. Build into your life time where you can do things that fill your cup. Make sure to prioritize time by yourself and time with God no matter how hard it is to force yourself to do it. Its unnatural for me but the truth is that if I'm taking the time to let God pour into me whether thats by prayer and meditation, reading scripture, singing, writing, painting, taking a walk, taking a bath, whatever... something in my heart re-sets. That may look different for you than others you know( you may hate baths and love tennis) but its too important to neglect.

If you don't love yourself, you won't love others well. And that's SCIENCE.

Until next time,

Carly Calmes the First

...But you sure can't take it

I know its been a while... but let's move past that, shall we? OK . So, about a month ago my husband Jon lost his job. It was rather unexpected and its definitely been a month full of highs and lows for us individually and as a couple- maybe I'll post about that another day- but today I want to write about something semi-unrelated that I have been reminded of in this time. How have I been reminded of it?

Enter Chef Gordon Ramsay. 

Oof, thats scary...

Ok, thats better.

In this interim of free time together, Jon and I have had a few favorite TV indulgences; one of which is Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmares". Its this reality show where in each episode, Gordon Ramsay is called upon by a failing restaurant to try and swoop in and save it in a week's time.

After watching about 900 episodes, I'm convinced of one thing. The difference between growing, successful restaurants and those that are tanking is whether or not the owners/managers/chefs can (friggin) take criticism well. Seriously. I think thats it.

 Every episode pretty much goes like this...

*Restaurant, desperate for renovation in food, service and atmosphere quality calls on Gordon Ramsay to come in and help turn them around.

*Ramsay comes in and gives brutally honest feedback. Restaurant owners and sometimes chefs decide they don't want his help anymore because they refuse to accept that his criticism is valid.

*Chef Ramsay walks away. If they don't want to take it he's not about to waste his precious british time.

* After all the hub-bub they chase after him, finally willing to accept feedback.

* Shit gets moving and they eventually succeed. 

Now, you'd think that at the very beginning when he, a prominent chef and restaurant owner, came in and tried to help,  they'd submit to his opinion because they're failing and he's a wildly successful millionaire. Nope. EVERY time. Its like they THOUGHT they wanted help until they realized change is painful to their ego and then they, in total foolishness, decide that Chef Ramsay doesn't know what he's talking about and that they don't need help. A lot of them say things like "I'd rather close the restaurant than take it from this a-hole". You're watching it thinking... seriously? REALLY, bro? You'd rather quit and close down your restaurant than take criticism from a famous chef trying to help your sorry patoot ?

Every time I watch it I'm sitting at home thinking "Gosh, if these people JUST listened and were hungry to get better instead of  fighting to protect their egos, this whole thing would go swimmingly". It all seems so dramatic and ridiculous as you're watching it, which it is. But lately, there's this very real sense welling up in me that I...do...the same...thing. I use the very same tactics in my relationships sometimes! My husband will give me a criticism and- when I'm weak- my insticts are as follows:

1) Push back. Well, that's just not true. Or fair. You're being unfair and hyper-critical. Allow me to explain how wrong you are with your unfair hyper-criticisms of my innocent self.

2) Making it about me in a dramatic hail-mary pass of a scene. Well,  I'm sorry I'm SUCH a BURDEN. I'm sorry I'm SO _____ ( fill in the blank.Example: If he said "negative", I turn it into "totally depressing for everyone in my life" etc.)

3) Embarrassed but somehow still proud, shut down instead of facing the music. I think "Ok.. I'm just gonna leave. I'm gonna quit. I'd rather leave and quit than go through this pile of crap argument any more." I'd rather close the restaurant, thanks.

So whatever it is in these people that pushes back and goes into denial so far that they hurt themselves and everyone around them is the same thing that makes me run in circles when I get painfully honest feedback from people I love. Well, mostly my husband... Because I somehow feel the freedom to treat him worse than anyone else ( so backwards I know).

I genuinely believe that one of the main differences between people who are healthy and growing and those that are not is the ability and DESIRE to hear criticism and instead of rejecting it, accept it, listen to it, and decide to change. Its willingness to fail. Willingness to have our imperfections revealed in hopes that we can change them and move on.

The reason we ought to take criticism is that we HAVE to in order to achieve our goals and be the people we want to be. In order to become a better worship leader I HAVE to be willing to hear what I'm bad at and not let it put out my fire but rather hear it and take a good honest look at how I can change. But the thing is, I have to want to be a good worship leader bad enough to take it. Otherwise I'll just quit, right? Because growing is hard work and hard work is painful and pain without purpose just sucks.

Well in marriage, the whole quitting thing really isn't an option. This has changed the way Jon and I fight dramatically. Refer back to the three bratty habits I embody. See how when you can't end the relationship, it changes the terms and consequences of these behaviors?

What that has meant is that I have two choices when I'm faced with criticism from Jon:

1) Surrender myself for the sake of my marriage. I can hear what he's saying and decide to do the hard work of letting my ego deflate a bit for the sake of becoming a better wife.

2) Surrender my marriage for the sake of myself.  Sure, I can choose to deny every accusation that comes my way and stubbornly reject criticism to protect my ego... but I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose Jon and its the same the other way- he can hear me when I tell him he's doing something hurtful, or he can deny it and reject it and in turn,  lose me. Not all at once. Not divorce after one or two arguments... but that slow slipping away from the person you love because you can't trust each other anymore. Because you're not choosing each other anymore... Because in choosing yourself you're choosing against them and against your marriage.

I'm notoriously bad at taking criticism in many areas of my life. Its not because I think I'm awesome- but rather the opposite.  I don't have a natural basin of confidence within myself, and subsequently, I am sensitive to people's opinions because I'm sub-consciously trying to protect whatever shred of self-worth I have stored up. Its probably in my top ten least favorite things about myself and definitely is something I pray in 10 years won't be so real to me.

Enter Jesus... As Christians, we should be the BEST at taking criticism!! We should be MASTERS of taking criticism! Why?

1) One of the fundamental beliefs in Christian faith is that we NEED a savior because we are imperfect, and when left to our own devices we are destructive. So, it should come as NO surprise to us when we get feedback from people that we are, in fact, sinners. We need to be willing to regularly recognize our own sin so that when we are faced with it from those we care about, we can humbly admit to it! How much more attractive is it when you confront someone in truth regarding something they're doing and instead of pushing back and creating a huge conflict, they humbly accept it and even APPRECIATE the honesty?? Gosh. Its so impressive!

2) Also, and this is the big one, we proclaim to believe in a God who has this lavish, foolish, unconditional love for us and despite of our sin, chases after us like a father after His dear children. As Christians, we need to be eating up the love of God for us. We need to be gobbling up the feast of His daily affections for us. Because of the former truth, we all need correction, but what makes correction bearable and what makes it possible for us to take it without being destroyed? The safety of His relentless love for us.

Lord, help me to gobble up Your love for me every day so that when criticism comes, I can take it with grace and humility to become the woman you've called me to be.

Amen?

Special thanks to the hot-heads on Kitchen Nightmares that remind me of myself.

- Carly Calmes, the First

Presence and performance

One time, Jesus and his peeps were passing through a town where two sisters lived- Mary and Martha. Martha was a do-er. She knew Jesus was of great importance and so she was freaking out; making all the food, making sure the house was no longer a disaster, preparing so that when He came, He'd feel at home and welcomed. Mary, on the other hand, wasn't so much concerned with any of that. She also knew Jesus was of great importance; so much so, that instead of thinking about making sure it was all perfect for Him, she just sat at His feet, captivated by Him.

Jesus was a Rabbi- a teacher- and when He spoke people listened and that's what He did for the most part. He spoke with authority and was all kinds of clever and He ended up being like a modern day rockstar ( but better). So naturally, when Martha heard He was in town, she started to buzz with her checklists and concerns. I get this. I am her. I am Martha. And then theres MARY, juuuuust SITTING there while Martha is sweating over the details.

If the story ended there I'd feel much better about myself. However... what happens next kicks me in the teeth every time I read it.

Martha gets super frustrated. She sees Mary just sitting around and Martha knows if she could just get up and help her things would get done and it would be much better all around for the guests' experience. She wants it to be a certain way- and she's good at making sure things get done so that the house is lovely and the meal is prepared just right so that... so that... uh... so uh... JUST BECAUSE, ok?

So she, feeling totally justified, asks Jesus assuming He'll take her side over her lazy bones sister "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.”

Right? This is what I do to Jon. He's such a Mary. The house could be covered in poop and there could be nothing to offer our guests and he wouldn't know the difference cause he's so busy BEING with them. *scoff

Jesus turns to Martha, who I assume is just frazzled, sweating, looking for validation. He looks at this daughter of His who is working so hard to impress him and says "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Really? REALLY Jesus? Throw me a bone! I mean... throw... MARTHA a bone!

And here we are at the point of all of this. God came down as a man to show us what He's really like, and He does it in Jesus. We look at the way Jesus lived and get a glimpse into the way God operates. So here we have a picture of a woman who LOVES God. She thinks He deserves honor and by golly a clean home and a good meal, right? There's not much wrong with that. However... when that ends up sacrificing actually BEING with God, He lets us know which He'd like for us to let go of.

God prefers presence over performance. And I can't stand it. Why? I'm a performer. I worry about those details that almost nobody cares about... and you know what? They don't matter.

There are a few people to whom the details matter... the look of your home, the way your food is presented when they are guests.. But not Jesus. Nope. Not Him.

So yeah, I married a Mary. Say that 5 times fast. Jon is definitely presence over presentation. It makes me feel like the bad guy sometimes socially. A friend of ours will come over and Jon just sits with them and hangs while I'm sweating over EVERYTHING else. Guess who makes a lasting impression? Guess who makes the other person feel more important, loved and worthy?  Yeah, not me.

Jon is teaching me how to be more present than perfect and its so freaking challenging. Its convicting and even embarrassing but... my prayer is that he becomes a bit more considerate of the work load and I become a little less.

My prayer is that I learn how to be. How to enjoy moments with my God, my friends and family without needing everything to look presentable first. I'm not just talking about the house. I'm talking about my heart. My jokes. I want to authentically be able to be with others as I am. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather live a life that's messy but soaked in presence and in really knowing and loving others, really knowing Him than one that's perfect and distant.

While it challenges me to serve a God who just wants me as I am- not a perfect performance, I'm also liberated by that. I get to swim around in a sea of grace that lets me be a hot mess without a damn thing figured out.

Lord, help me float around in condition-less love. Help me swim in Your grace.

Amen.

Extraordinary, Unnecessary, Supernatural,

I've been reading and re-reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" lately and its blessed me quite a bit. Its written by this woman named Shauna Niequist and is basically a collection of bits and pieces of life all strung together by the idea that life, and all of life, is worth celebrating. I get high on this idea when its articulated well. High. This highness has lead me to blog, but I warn you- its a bit jumpy. I looked back over this post and thought " My goodness, Carly, stay in one place!". However, its my blog, and I'll jump if I want to? Mehhh...

Anyhoo-in light of my recent read, I've been trying to find beauty in what is regularly referred to as "ordinary life" and I've been finding that "ordinary" doesn't much exist. I've been finding that really, most things are extraordinary. The "extra" is discovered when we pull back a few feet and look at the landscape of our stories, and how what we have believed to be normal life is, in fact, a succession miraculous moments sewn together ( with all sorts of thread- pain, birth, death, relationship etc. ). We're too close to it, too used to it to recognize how amazing our daily lives are. Extraordinary feels like ordinary because its constant... and we come to find ourselves bored with extraordinary.

As I've been skating around on the idea of learning how to celebrate everything, I've wondered if maybe the most gracious blessings, the most awesome moments, are in the unnecessary. What I mean by unnecessary is that according to logic, according to what science might say we need to survive- there are blessings all around that are outside of need that are wildly beautiful and in those things, I'm finding joy.  Here's the truth- atheistically speaking, we can deduce a lot of reasons why this faith we profess could be some delusion or a set of social norms or a safety blanket for people crippled by fear... but one thing they can't put in a box is awe.

Awe. Everyone experiences this and it is that word that describes knowing, even subconsciously, that something is far greater than our understanding. Its the feeling that takes our breath. Its the thing that defy's our logic and leaves us gawking at life. When we see something magnificent, awe. When we are surprised by great news, awe. When we fall in love with something/ someone, awe. The list goes on.

I would venture to say that humans were created to worship God- we were created to be in awe. I believe this not because of an idea I've committed to agreeing with- but because I see it all the time. Whether you're someone who professes faith or someone who thinks its all meaningless, I believe you experience this worship- this awe thing- more often than you know. I also believe that we ought to be in awe far more than we allow ourselves to be ( see: extraordinary vs. ordinary).  I think we should be in awe when we eat anything delicious. I think we should be in awe when we get a paycheck. I think we should be in awe when we connect with ANYONE- because what are the odds? I think we should be in awe every time we laugh because WHAT IS THAT!? Unnecessary. Blessing.

I had to drive back to my parents' house the other day and as I pulled into the driveway I experienced something that has become somewhat of an annual tradition for me. I pulled into my driveway, got out of my car and just stood before my front yard in...awe. My Dad dabbled in landscaping and is a generally creative dude, and he decided to plant two trees in my front yard when I was in about 4th grade. Every year the trees get more impressive. You see, he purposefully planted one liquid amber and one gingko. I forget about them most of the year but come fall- they're hard to ignore. He planted them on purpose because, as all tree enthusiasts know, liquid ambers turn bright red and gingkos bright yellow. They light up like you wouldn't believe and their leaves rain down like red and yellow confetti on my lawn.

The naysayers out there might be reading this thinking,"No duh, Carly. That's nature. Leaves change color, fall off, grow back and so on. Its seasonal and part of the natural world." Sure, naysayer. Sure it is.

Now we've arrived at the third ambiguous word that I used in the title of this blog: SUPERnatural. You see, I don't think things are " just natural" anymore either. Leaves flashing from green to yellow to orange to fiery bright red JUST BECAUSE?!!?!  That. Is. Amazing.

Sure its part of the natural process of things as we've come to know it but, my friends, it didn't HAVE to.  Maybe watching something happen over and over, getting bored with it and labeling it "normal" is the opposite of what we're supposed to do. Maybe we're supposed to allow awe to seep into the way we see what we consider "natural". Maybe there's a creator who is so gracious that He made a friggin organism that, yes, cleans our air for us so we can breathe and live and OH WAIT, lets make it spectacular! Lets make it CHANGE COLORS every year. Lets make it electrify streets and litter lawns with its color.

Super. Natural.

A delicious meal? Ok, humans need food to survive. Lets give them plants and animals that have the nutrients they need and OH WAIT, lets toss in TASTE buds and allow food to be something that can give JOY instead of just sustain them. Lets make it tasty. WHAT!!? Unnecessary blessing.

I could probably list examples of these concepts until I get carpel tunnel and my hands fall off ( I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen when you get carpel tunnel).  All that is to say... perhaps we aren't enjoying our lives very much because we've allowed the extraordinary to become ordinary, the supernatural to become natural, and have replaced awe with indifference. We've become proud little buggers and have our reason perfectly in tact but are BORED. Boring. That sounds so boring.

I don't profess to be living a full life. I numb out  too much with Pinterest and  T.V., allow myself to become isolated, get overtaken by stress and anxiety, and am a sinner in so many arenas I can barely keep track. However, when I let myself get carried away by the bits and pieces of my life, when I pan out with a wide lense and really look into how I could be celebrating more, I realize I've missed out on millions of opportunities to stop and say thanks to a God that blesses me with an abundance of unnecessary.

I don't know if my ramblings make sense and maybe this is part one of a few blogs about how to celebrate well and what keeps us from it but, I hope maybe today you might try to see beyond the normalcy of your life. Hm?

Until next time,

Carly Calmes the First