Marriage Pt. 1

First off, sorry for being rather unfaithful to my blog already. I have no real excuse. I blame Vampire Diaries for sucking up all my free time and for being so addicting. I also blame Mortal Kombat. Ok, its my fault. I wanted to post something that would line up with the orginal intent of my blog which in part was celebrating this new season of life... the season where I'm all of a sudden a wife and roommate of this guy who I promised to stand by forever.

I don't profess to know much of anything about marriage given my relative lack of experience, but I will share a few things I've learned so far. Perhaps in a year I'll look back at these things, scoff and say " HA! What a CHILD" but, that's life. You learn things then unlearn them in exchange for new better things but for now, here are some things I've learned about marriage.

1) Its important to have fun. 

Honestly, fun has been the savior of so many moments for Jon and I. I think an important part of selecting the person you're going to marry MUST be the ability to get absolutely goofy. Perhaps that's closer to the top of my list than it is yours ( I'm a goofball, duh) but, I think there's massive value in playing together. It lifts you both and increases intimacy if you ask me. My close friend Erika bought Jon and I Mortal Kombat VS DC universe and I'm telling you folks, we're LOVING it. Erika and her husband Josh are a great source of inspiration for us when it comes to marriage. They've seen some seriously difficult times and have risen above and grown and their marriage makes us feel like we have something to really look forward to as we keep walking together.

One time Josh came home to a nerf gun on the front porch and a note that said " Arm Yourself". Yes, his pregnant wife initiated an all out nerf war. That joy, that sense of friendship and freedom is pretty key, even for us newlyweds.

2) Don't get married if you don't want to change anything about yourself ever. 

I think there's some terrible connotation to the thought of compromise in marriage. I know a lot of women who are like " I'm not gonna lose my independence just cause some MAN marrys me blah blah blah". A lot of us formed that view because we've seen friends meet a guy and totally lose herself in him. I'm not talking about THAT kind of change. In the context of marriage, its not such a terrible thing to compromise. Actually, its absolutely necessary.

I grew up an only child and didn't date until I was 20 years old. Yeah, I developed a fairly STRONG sense of independence and I really was convinced that I'd end up with someone who was pretty much exactly like me... because I'm right... all of the time.  I don't think I'd ever SAY that, but once that was challenged it became obvious that I FELT that way.

Changing with someone, letting one another's hearts chip away at certain parts of you that might need to be smoothed or re-shaped is a really beautiful thing. In the context of marriage, when its supported by love and commitment, its pivotal to growth. Infact, I don't think marriages can stay afloat without the unspoken agreement that  "I am a sinner, I will hurt you, and I will need to be willing to change". Otherwise, we'd just grow apart and live alone in our self-righteous pride. Right? I know I would.

3) You are not one another's enemy.

Ok, this is important for me. I think 80-90 percent of Jon and I's fights aren't about what we're fighting about... Let me clarify, sometimes we seem to be arguing about me losing at Mortal Kombat, but really we're arguing about why I don't feel valued, which is really a fight between me and the lies I allow myself to believe. It SEEMS like its Jon's fault, but I'm not fighting with Jon, I'm fighting with my pain.

Jon isn't perfect but he's NOT the real enemy even when he's NOT perfect. Does that make sense? Like, when I'm being a real a-hole, the truth isn't that I'm out to get someone, the truth is that there's a battle within me and I need to surrender to goodness. The enemy isn't one another. Get beneath the conflict to the REAL battle and fight THAT together. The times where we're in a tiff and Jon points out that I'm succumbing to my fears or wounds and he chooses instead to pray with me for those things rather than fight me... those times are what its all about. Those are the healing times.

4) Don't freak out if things aren't what you expect. In fact.Get rid of expectations.

I have this problem. I am a worst-case scenario obsessor and I have an alarm system that is triggered if something doesn't seem right that way I can prepare to get the flock out of there and save myself. Its a mechanism I'm working on but, it happens even relationally.

I've been enjoying marriage a lot because its a done deal. When we were engaged and dating I was ready to pull out of things if I needed to. I made sure I had one foot out incase I realized one day that this isn't right and I need to escape. I know that sounds terrible but... no, I guess it is terrible. Its a way of tricking yourself into thinking you can avoid pain. So, once it was done and over with... I felt like I was finally enjoying our relationship without the fear of it ending. There were walls up that I didn't know EXISTED that came down after we made it official.

I'm really learning that expectations can be joy's worst enemy. We're going to be in seasons where we loooove eachother, and seasons where we annoy one anther. We'll go through times of change and suffering and all of them are normal marriage things but the minute I think " Oh no, I SHOULD be feeling THIS way " I become destructive to our unity. Paul talks about contentment in scripture a lot on purpose and I feel like I'm starting to understand why-especially in the context of marriage!

5) Its not you, its we. 

See what I did there? Marriage is a decision that makes you all of a sudden NOT the sole proprietor to your life. That sounds scary but really, it comes in to play rather naturally.

Its important to live into that truth when it comes to plans and your inner process etc. You aren't just YOU anymore. You're a part of one another and for me, in areas I didn't WANT to be included in decisions etc. before I now feel cut off if I'm not. I know that sounds clingy but its just the deal. You discover that your healing as an individual is your healing together. That when you're unhealthy- you BOTH are unhealthy. Its crazy how quickly that happens, too. On a REALLY intimate level. So, don't go rogue. It'll bite you in the ass.

That's all for now. Hopefully you er... learned something today? I don't know. Marriage is rad. Its workin' for me... but the above principles are sort of KEY to it working. Y'dig?

Until next time,

Carly Calmes the First.

Fun life.

Alright, while we're being honest... It always draws me RIGHT to the edge of my seat whenever someone says that.  Or if I'm suspicious they've been keeping a secret I start saying " Yeah, I mean, yes YES, please... say whatever you need... SAY IT!!!". What a goob.

For the past week or two I've found myself in a bit of a slump. A funk. A low point. Yeah, there's been a bit going on that has lead me there but we all know that circumstances shouldn't totally dictate how you're doing. There has to be an element of fight in you that allows you to find reasons for hope and sunshine and all that jazz. For some reason, this slump has come about and I've been a stinker in it. I've been just.. sleepy, moping about at home with my dog everyday.

I've started to fight a bit but, I needed something to push me over. And in this slump, in THIS funk.. it was Fun Life.

Meet Amy and Austin Nielsen:

I've known Amy since high school. We were in eachother's weddings and have maintained a wonderful life giving friendship for the past 7 or 8 years. Austin is her rad-sauce husband. They make life better. End of story.

A few years back Amy decided to follow her big heart and start a group called "Fun Life" which is part of the Capernaum branch of  Young Life- a high school outreach ministry-  that is carefully crafted and re-imagined for kids with special needs. If you have ever been involved with Young Life, you know what it can do to your heart... you become a lover of the lost and get to see God do wonderful things through the blood sweat and tears of drama, prom, kids with gnarly families etc. If you have ever been a part of Capernaum Young Life, you've been changed forever in a whole new way.

Sometimes I trek out to Pasadena to "help" with their gatherings. I get there a bit early to set up and pray with the team and then at about 6pm... it starts. You can tell as soon as our first friend walks in. Most of the time, they run in and announce their arrival with a loud crashy jubilant " HEY GUYS!!!" and if there's a song on, they dance.

Immediately.

There are thousands of reasons why working with these friends blesses your face off. It doesn't come without difficulty- I respect the Capernaum Young Life leaders I know more than just about anyone. But if you ask any one of them they'll tell you that the way they experience love by knowing the kids so far outweighs the struggles its almost blinding.

Its hard to determine my favorite thing about when I get to lead songs at club. I get to just hang with these friends and I always have more fun than I anticipated. To wrap a word around my favorite part I guess I'd just say the FREEDOM is the best part.  Imagine for a moment, you're in a room with 50 average high school kids. Now imagine that N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" comes on.

The guys will crack some joke or scoff, the girls will look at each other and squeal, and there's about a 20 percent chance one of them will have the guts to start dancing. However, at Fun Life, take 50 of our friends, turn on just about ANY song, even "Bye Bye Bye", and within 8 seconds, you have a full fledged dance party.

There are kids who are dancing who aren't able to SPEAK, there are kids dancing who don't have full freedom physically, and the most wonderful part? They're dancing because they love to. My favorite thing is just sitting back once the dancing breaks out... everyone is in their own world. Spinning, clapping, laughing... and each would be doing the same thing if they were alone but with all the other's around? Pure joy.

Each time I leave fun life I feel like I've inched closer to being free. I want to be like my friends at Fun Life. I want to hear that Jesus loves ME and GASP loudly, take my pointer finger to the middle of my chest and yell out " ME????" ( that happened the first time I went to Fun Life). I want to laugh harder and more frequently. I want to dance sweaty and with all of my limbs to any song at any time ( I'm sort of close to that now) just because I want to.

I want to hug strangers and hold their hands and potentially make them uncomfortable with how I love them without even knowing their names.

There is something to be said about childlike faith that ties into this... Children and our friends at Fun Life tend to have a lot of similar strengths. There's a life that's so straight up and bold, so filterless, and so carefree... and more importantly there's a lack of fear and worry that a lot of times is due to lack of awareness. I think back to the garden- when things were perfect between God and man it, it was before man new good AND evil... It was before the fruit-knowledge of fear and doubt and what if. It was full of trust, even blind faith.

And I see that each time I go to Fun Life. It breathes life into me and helps me to not think so much about... so much. It reminds me that I can choose joy because no matter how I walk into Fun Life, when a friend comes and starts dancing around me... I toss aside what's going on and I dance too and you know what? I have fun. I smile real smiles. These friends bring me back to life and they definitely brought me back last week.

( Amy and I last Friday.. it was Crazy Hair Club night... You best believe I wore that clown wig all night.. sweaty)

Thanks, Lord.

Until next time,

Carly Calmes the FIrst

Fakin' the Funk

Fakin' it. I'm becoming a believer in fakin' it.  Now, you might be saying to yourself "Where's this going?". Follow me down the rabbit trail... On Thursday I celebrated my 25th birthday and, as I do every year, I spent the day at Disneyland with a couple of good friends ( This year it was Kelley and Evy). As always, it was a blend of nostalgia and pure silly-ness ( see photo).

Now, if you can, peel your eyes away from the photo ( I know you're mesmerized thinking " How does she keep her poses so fresh?" and  "Her face looks so casual but her body... is so not?" ).

Evy, Kelley and I were on the prowl for rides when we approached a massive ferris wheel that I'm actually crap-my-pants afraid of. I don't do heights well. Evy told us the story of how she and her husband had been on the wheel once with a little kid who was terrified and appropriately losin' it. Her husband was also freaking out because it's pretty scary, but because the kid was so scared he played it cool. He thought HE shouldn't freak out because it would prevent the kid from calming down.

He had to fake it.

This reminded me of an experience I had this summer. This July I was working at Woodleaf, a Young Life camp for high school kids, as the camp musician. Due to the fact that  I was sharing not only my music on stage but also speaking about what it looks like to be transformed by Jesus- I ended up being someone the kids looked up to; especially the girls.

One day I was on my way to rehearse for something when I saw this girl sitting by herself looking a bit sad. I knew I couldn't stop and chat so I smiled and said "Hi",prayed that the Lord would give me an opportunity to love on her, and then kept doing what I was doing. I had basically forgotten about this moment because camp is in constant motion and I'm a Scattered Susan ( just made that term up), then day or two later I decided it was time to challenge myself...

At Woodleaf there's this contraption called " THE TOWER" (see above) and just looking at it makes me nervous. As I mentioned, I'm afraid of heights and this thing is basically a 50' tower of terror that we challenge the kids to climb as a way of building trust and facing fear. I've happily avoided climbing it EVERY year as I hate most things that involve heights and or harnesses. HOWEVER, I decided a short while ago that " Because I'm scared"  was no longer a good enough reason to NOT do something so... to the tower I went.

When you climb the tower you are assisted by one person belaying you and coaching you step-by-step. My good friend Carly Costanza was my coach and there were kids watching and climbing on the other sides of the beast. I harnessed up, put my helmet on, and had a wild "Can-do" attitude that made me feel like I was in some crazy anti-depressant or tampon commercial "Taking my life back". Carly turned to me right before I started my ascent and sternly said "Ok, now you can't lose your shit because theres a ton of kids watching and you're a leader to them". "Whaaat? I..PFFFFFshhh... I won't... I mean.. Whaaaaat?" I said, as I knew she was right and that there was a good chance I would lose my shit.

I started the climb and shortly felt that cold-sweat "GET ME DOWN RIGHT NOW" feeling. I kept going thanks to Carly's motivational speech and my 'tude but... I was terrified. I got to a certain point and my legs were shaking, I was short of breath and I honestly was about to tell her to let me down. I got ready to yell out that I was finished when I heard screaming from another climber who was a few steps below me on another side of the structure. I looked around to see what was going on when I realized- it was HER. It was the girl who was alone and sad.

Aw MAAAAAAAAAN. I was THIS close to escaping. You know those moments where you are so aware that God has heard you but in doing so you actually end up having to do something terrifying? Well.. that's where I was at about 40 feet... I still had ten to go and I was absolutely freaking out inside. However, I had to fake it because Jules, the girl screaming just below me, needed to face her fears too and I had the voice to encourage her. I looked at her dead in the eye and said " Jules, we're gonna do this together OK? Its gonna be amazing," when my insides were saying " AHHHH!!! GET ME DOWN! I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M SCARED!!"

It took about 30 minutes but we ended up climbing to the top together one very slow step at a time. I took a step forward then waited for her to follow me.  I acted like I was completely confident when in reality I was losing my mind and you know what?

We got to the top. We finished the challenge and it... felt... awesome.

All that's to say, I'm really starting to wonder if conquering fear isn't accomplished internally before we act, but if its done by fakin' the funk until the funk is real. Even Beyonce has a technique where- when she has crazy stage fright- she just pretends she's someone else. That's how Sasha Fierce was born. Internally, Beyonce doesn't feel like tbe BAMF she looks like on stage... she fakes it and in doing so, kills it.

When  I look back on my life there have been several moments when "Can't" turned into " Did" and I owe most of it to moving forward in spite of fear (and to God's bizarre sense of humor). Little by little, the fears are being chipped away and oftentimes, the rubber meets the road when I see the purpose as humbling myself to something greater. In the case mentioned above- the greater purpose was encouraging this girl... her victory became more important to me than my comfort and it was so worth it.

I'm not sure if this will reach you at all today or inspire you to face some fears but...I thought it was worth digesting a bit.

Until next time ( which will hopefully be a bit more concise),

Carly Calmes the First

Symbiosis

Symbiosis literally means "together life", or  "the living together of unlike organisms".  Why am I starting my first blog post by defining symbiosis? Well, if you will, please direct your attention to the NAME of my blog. The Cow and the Crane.

     The cow.

   The crane.

What do these two hilariously different animals have anything to do with my life?  I'm still trying to figure this out but...maybe a little bit of backstory will help.

I got married just shy of a month ago to this handsome bugger:  ...

and we spent our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. We didn't get much of a chance to explore the country, but on the few occasions we left our resort we saw a ton of livestock grazing the thick green grasses on the sides of the "road"( I use that term loosely as its not very developed down there). Right away, I noticed something that made me smile; I noticed the friendship between the cows and cranes. I almost never saw a cow without a crane sitting right next to it- and I probably saw about a thousand cows that week.

On one of our excursions through the countryside, my husband Jon asked " That's your favorite thing so far, isn't it?". " What?", I asked. " The cranes sitting next to the cows", he replied. " They're BEST friends" I said. He just laughed and I joined him, thinking about how well he knows my strange humor. I tend to find joy in really bizarre things- like cows and crane's being " best friends". The truth is that the two animals have some kind of symbiotic relationship that probably has something to do with cranes eating the cow's flies or something... but I like to think they're best... friends...

So, to bring it all together, I'm starting this blog called " The Cow and the Crane"  because it relates to my life in a few ways.

1) Cows and Cranes, two seemingly opposite creatures who have found one another and stuck with one another for whatever reason, remind me a lot of my husband and I. He's the cow, I'm the crane.. for sure.. either way we're different but we love one another and it somehow works. We are one month into marriage and I already feel like I need to start keeping a record of all that I'm learning.

2) I was inspired by finding the whimsical in cranes and cows on the side of the road in the Dominican Republic that I need to record things I've found to be funny or beautiful or note-worthy...It keeps my eyes open to joyful surprises.

So, I hope you enjoy my ramblings and am crossing my fingers that I remain consistent!

Until next time,

Carly Calmes the First